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Saturday, 16 April 2011

You’ve gotta be joking?

The UK's esteemed half leader and a man of the people?

The Prime Minister
10 Downing Street
10, Downing Street

Dear Mr. Cameron, 

Please find below our suggestion for fixing Britain's economy.

Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.
Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new British car. Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -Housing Crisis fixed
4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university - Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....
and there's your money back in duty/tax etc

6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions
trading scheme that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy bastards to reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them down. It can't get any easier than that!

P.S If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.
If not, please disregard.
Grumpies of the World Unite

Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.  Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Think about this (more points of contention):  
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria?
And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ... Why don't we just give them ours?

It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for centuries and we're not using it anymore.
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this -You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians..... It creates a hostile work environment.
Think about this ... If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!
It is time for us grumpy old folk of Britain to speak up! 

The above was sent to TheBigYin by email from Stephen Bell (BT) and I thought it was so funny I just had to share, well, I don't want to be part of the problem, now do I?


Anonymous said...

Well there are more pensioners than prisoners for a start and most "prisoners" aren't actually in prison.

And for number 3, the housing crisis exists because TOO MANY people want a house. Tell them all to move to Spain - Spanish economy fixed.

And most pensioners' kids should have graduated already... you really want the grandkids but most of them are too thick for uni.

TheBigYin said...

"Tell them all to move to Spain - Spanish economy fixed."

Great repost, still chuckling anon.

"you really want the grandkids but most of them are too thick for uni."

You old cynic you Anon :¬)

Angry Exile said...

Most of the originals were written for the US I think, but still amusing. The first one is definite non-starter though. Ten million over 50s times a million pounds each is £10,000,000,000,000 and about five times the UK's GDP. Ignoring that there won't be ten million job openings because some of them won't be working now and others are in jobs that will be eliminated when the current occupant, whose been there so long he's too expensive to retrench, leaves. And ignoring that it won't fix the British car industry because... what British car industry? There's more wrong with it than that but you don't really need to go past the first one. The one about swapping the prisoners and pensioners is a lot harder to argue though.

Angry Exile said...

*who's* D'oh!

TheBigYin said...

yeah AE, it was so obviously a piss take that I liked it and thought I'd pass it on. Didn't know that it may have started in the US though cos the US are made up of more than a few humourless fuckers these days and they still don't understand irony!

But WTF, it's a dull Saturday (Sunday to you) afternoon here and it made me chuckle.

Being over 50 the first thing I thought was 'yeah', that will do me, until I saw what I'd have to do with that 'free' million.

Adding up was not one of my strong points in school.

BTW, loved your 'defence of the smoker' blog, it was class and respect to you, a former 'addict.'

Angry Exile said...

Yeah, the first time I saw that I think it was addressed to Dubya, had dollars rather than pounds, and specifically mentioned saving Detroit. I'm sure I've seen an Obama version again since then. The Ten Commandments bit is straight from the Bible Belt where they really did have a protest over some statue of the TCs on it being taken out of a state building (might even have been a court house). I think the Constitution one is also theirs because the Yanks are far more aware of theirs than the average Brit tends to be, mainly because it's all in one place and because they had to fight a war to get the thing in the first place. And their politicians certainly seem to be paying lip service to it at best.

Anyway, I'm a fine one to talk. Did you see the joke letter from an Australian Army soldier I put up the other day? Again, clearly a gag, but since then I've seen something that suggests it's a reworded version of an older American or possible Canadian joke. Still a giggle though.

And thanks for the compliment about the smoker defence. The way I see it is that they'll get me for something else if I don't, so I should carry on as if I still was a smoker.

Anonymous said...

The pensioners would also be able to smoke in their cells.

TheBigYin said...

Not if tobacco control could have their say anon, that comfy position will fly out of the window when TC get their way when smoking in your own home is banned, as it surely will come to pass if the likes of F2C do not challenge it!

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