Every day I scour the globe for news on all things smoking related just to show you how absurd all this anti smoking malarkey really is…only to find all the news on one site in THIS country, go figure.
The gap between average life expectancy and that of the poorest in England is widening thanks to idiots ignoring all of the really expensive health advice they’ve been given over the last twenty years, a National Audit Office report says.
Despite efforts to ensure they live a long and healthy life, the nation’s poorest idiots are still doing all of the things that will ensure they die before they get a chance to be old, cantankerous idiots.
The NAO says that from 1995-97 to 2006-08 the life expectancy gap between idiots and non-idiots grew by 7% for men and 14% for women.
As one researcher explained, “We have spent millions and millions telling idiots that smoking will kill you, and that you should improve your diet, yet for some reason the only people paying a blind bit of notice are the people with a few quid in their pockets, who also happen to not be complete idiots.”
“What can we do? We can’t be more explicit - we tell them ‘continue to do this and you will die early’ and yet they’re still smoking like chimneys and sucking down pies like a spectacularly obese Dyson vacuum.”
One idiot we spoke to explained, “Yeah, so smoking will mean I die earlier yeah? But look how cool I am right now yeah. Rather than spend ten million on an anti-smoking campaign, why not spend ten million on fags for me and my friends and we’ll call it quits, yeah?”
“And as for my diet, if God had wanted me to eat vegetables, he’d have made me into an insufferable bore like all those vegetarian dudes.”
“He certainly wouldn’t have opened that 24 hour McDonald’s at the end of the road, would he?”
“So who am I going to listen to, you and your sciencey-shmiencey stuff - or God who put a Big Mac within arms reach and gave Dodgy Dave a load of Polish fags to offer me on the cheap. Hmm?”
Cocaine can not be considered a ’safe party drug’ until the deaths it apparently causes are no longer sudden, but are instead long, drawn out painful affairs like those suffered due to alcohol and tobacco.
A recent European survey has shown that the myth of cocaine as a “safe party drug” must be dispelled as the drug has been linked to 3% of sudden deaths.
Lead researcher Eddie Sanchez told us, “Out of 668 unexplained sudden deaths, 21 had taken cocaine recently - they’d also taken drink and cigarettes too, but we’re not looking too closely into that.”
“Anyway, drink and cigarettes kill you slowly, everyone knows that. And slow equals safe - it’s true with driving, and it’s true with narcotics that will definitely kill you.”
“Just because people like Sophie Anderton and Noel Gallagher seem fine despite taking sacks and sacks of the stuff doesn’t mean you’ll be OK.”
Experts have warned that the only safe drugs are those deemed healthy enough to have their own tax regime by the Government.
“Look, the only way you’d suffer a sudden death by drinking or smoking is if the booze gave you the confidence to chat up a woman with a really massive boyfriend.”
“Or if you walked in front of a bus whilst lighting a cigarette.”
“We recommend that Governments looking into a ways of making highly addictive Cocaine slightly less dangerous so that it can be, regulated, taxed, and added to the stable of slow-killing drugs that are deemed socially acceptable.”
A Government insider explained, “Look, if you’re going to pump your body full of life-threatening chemicals, at least have the decency to ensure we get our cut first.”
And from that fateful in 2007 the throng of anti smoking pubgoers found something else to get up their prodnoses.
The smoking ban came into force at midnight last night, ensuring the nation’s public houses allow the remaining repulsive aromas to fully penetrate drinkers’ nasal cavities.
The much anticipated ban will force smokers to cough and splutter outside in the elements, whilst non-smoking drinkers enjoy their drinks in a smoke free environment.
However, the ban has already had some unforeseen side effects.
One regular drinker, Patrick McGuinness, told us, “It’s great, because we’ll all be healthier and live longer I guess. But fuck me, don’t people absolutely reek?”
“When there was smoking going on in here, I could sort of pretend everyone smelled nice apart from their constant cigarette sucking, but Jesus Christ was I wrong.”
“This place now smells like the bowels of a professional curry taster that have been given a good wipe down with a week old armpit.”
Despite the complaints, most smokers are claiming not to notice the new smells.
“Look, I’ve been a 20 a day man since I was 17. So I haven’t smelled anything since 1989.” said one.
“If you tell me I stink, I’ll just have to take your word for it.”
Staunch anti-smoking campaigner Sheila Greggs, 35 told us, “I never thought I’d long for the smell of cigarette smoke, but seriously, if I get the whiff of one more arm pit or gaseous bowel movement I will fucking scream.”
Whilst scouring the planet for new and exciting carcinogens, scientists have disappointingly discovered that oral sex can cause throat cancer.
American researchers have found that the HPV virus - the cause of the majority of cervical cancers - can be transmitted via cunnilingus, and reportedly creates a higher risk of throat cancers than the traditional risks of smoking and alcohol use.
Professor Shagbut Licknot, who led the all-male research team producing the report, said, “We can clearly see a dangerously high risk of throat cancer linked to cunnilingus, and we are deeply concerned about this”.
Professor Licknot paid tribute to the ‘brave volunteers’ in the study, who had orally pleasured hundreds and hundreds of women to build the statistically significant sample.
100% safe. Fact.
He also added that his team had ‘conclusively proved’ that regular fellatio completely reduced the risk of contracting cancer.
“I’m sure that this will be reassuring news to women everywhere, they can safely suck as many cocks as they like.”
“Oh, and swallowing makes you completely cancer-resistant. Honest, would I lie to you? I’m a doctor.”
However, Doctor Hilary Bulldyke, of the Feminist Medical Association, sought to play down concern about the risks via cunnilingus.
She said, “Realistically, given the average male approach to foreplay, we can safely assume that their exposure to the HPV virus is negligable at best.”
The UK’s anti-smoking campaign has welcomed the imminent arrival of the controversial Westboro Baptist Church from the United States.
Fred Phelps and other representatives of the Westboro Baptist Church, famous for it’s “God hates Fags!” slogans, are due into the UK early next week to begin a series of protests.
“I think it’s great” said a spokesman for the NHS, “We need all the help we can get. People just aren’t quitting smoking quickly enough.”
Commentators have noted that the Church’s evocative imagery of eternal damnation in a fiery Hell could prove enough incentive for those considering quitting.
“Yeah, I’m worried about my health, sure” said one 21 year-old Christian nicotine addict, “But who wants to spend forever as one of Beelzebub’s playthings? I’m giving up today!”
This extra pair of hands in the fight against Nicotine has come as something of a welcome surprise to the anti-smoking lobby.
“We didn’t even know the Bible mentioned smoking,” said one senior NHS campaigner, “but I’m happy to admit it was a pleasant surprise.”
“If this Church helps us save just one smoking related death, then this entire trip will have been worth it.”
“Though we’d like it to be more than one.”
“Not that we’re setting targets or anything.”You see! We smokers can laugh at ourselves.
If you like a good belly laugh then NEWSARSE is the place for you. Do a search for any given subject, your bound to find something to put a smile on your face.
And finally…I must give a big hat tip to The Angry Exile
who pointed me in the right direction.